Rude Fruit

I bought these splendid looking fruit from a local supermarket: £2 for five beauties.

They are called hairy lychees and they are fantastic

Not only do they taste great, they have such comedic value. With a little imagination they can be turned into a punk wig for a boiled egg

Or my favourite, which needs no comment. It very childish of course but you should expect that from me. More surprising was the fact that it was wifey who took the pictures. I particuarly like the purpley swollen, veiny look of those hairy lychees.

When you are in Asda next time, have a goob in the fruit section and I dare you not to giggle. Comedy gold

You say Centre Parcs, I say Centre Parks

A couple of weeks ago wifey, Jake and I went to center parcs for a short break. My mantra for this company is quite simply “Quality = happy clients = returning custom”.  You just can’t fault their business model: excellent customer service, attention to detail and professional staff, who genuinely enjoy their work. The desire to ensure we had a hassle free, relaxing holiday oozed from every pore.

Of course you would expect that. It cost us more to go to Centre Parcs for 5 days than it did to go to any other holiday park in the UK. But there is the rub. If you want a spotty disenchanted teenager to nonchalantly take your food order whist chewing on some gum, go to Haven in Newquay (like we did). Or if you want to experience a World War II training camp, go to Porthcawl (like we did).

The problem is, these places are tailored to a target audience….toddlers and young kids at Haven love it. Give them a pool to splash about in and a kiddie’s playground and they’re in heaven. It doesn’t matter that you can’t take your eyes off the swirling bilge-filth of twigs and scum that oscillates near the pool filter, or that the climbing frame is covered in bird shit.

Large families love Porthcawl. The older kids can go to the fairground and parents and young kids alike go mad for the free entertainment laid on almost continually through the day. It doesn’t matter that the local feral teenagers smash beer bottles against the rocks on the beach, or that the site looks like it’s twinned with Chernobyl.

Center Parcs though, caters for all…… providing you are prepared to pay. And if that proviso is met, they you surely won’t be disappointed. All ages are catered for. There’s crèche activities for babies and toddlers and a multitude of adventure activities for teenagers and 42 year olds who think they are still 15. The site is set in acres of private woodland with little chalets nestled in the pine and birch wood and dappled in summer sunlight. Bicycles have right of way and the site is latticed with a network of cycle-paths through the woods and around lakes and children wander about the site in safety. The hub is the Center Parcs village with a serene scattering of boutiques, restaurants and coffee shops and the impressive all weather swimming pool with wave pool, rapids, tube slides and outdoor flumes. Just beyond is the vast lake for water activities and the woods for aerial adventures.

When we got to our chalet, on a gloriously sunny afternoon, the smell of damp prevailed. (The result of previous tenants constantly in a state of dampness from repeated pool visits no doubt). We called reception to note the issue. Within 10 minutes “the ladies” were at our doorstep and almost immediately we were offered a new chalet and an upgrade. And what an upgrade! Our new home was a stunning detached chalet with 3 en-suite double bedrooms, a sauna, private parking and a bespoke modern kitchen. It was all we could do to tear ourselves from the luxury to partake any activities.

First on the agenda, archery, (my kind of sport….low aerobic effort).  To say I thumped the boy into oblivion would be an understatement. Note to Jake: “if you want to play for fun that’s ok, but if you mock me, prepare to be dazzled”.

Then on to an aerial assault course and zip line, which Jake flew around whist I tentatively brought up the rear. Jake flew down the zip line and majestically ran to a controlled stop. I spun around backwards and used my fat ass to plough a furrow through the landing strip.

A new day - a new activity: windsurfing. A tutor called Jim (ex army) put us through a crash course. He was great fun to be with and an excellent tutor who clearly loved his job. The only slight problem was lack of one essential element: wind. Center Parcs can do a great deal but as yet, they haven’t learned to control the weather. But no mind, we still had great fun splashing about and generally messing about.

On our last day, we hired cycles. Poor wifey being pregnant couldn’t cycle but Center Parcs had the solution. A brilliant bike which had a seat at the front! It was ace! Wifey sat in the seat whilst we took a leisurely day’s cycling around the entire site and although she may have felt a bit sheepish to start with, she loved being out in the sunshine cycling about. The afternoon was spent on the lake in a pedallo on a wonderfully warm August afternoon followed by a great night of “Robin Hood” pantomime entertainment which really topped off the holiday for us.

Starbucks also helped make it a perfect holiday. I ordered a chai steamer thinking it would be lovely but in fact it was crap. When the lady came over to our table I happened to mention “I won’t be ordering one of these again, it’s not really my thing”. And she was off…..swift as you could say “medium latte no sugar”,  there sat the replacement drink. How’s that for service? Perhaps its Starbucks policy – but I’d like to think that this was an extra special customer service for a unique location.

 Even the wildlife joined in on the action. Almost too choreographed to be real, on a daily basis, as soon as the French double doors were opened, in came squirrels and rabbits looking for food. Tame enough to take the food out of your hand, it was like a scene from a Walt Disney film –breakfast with the squirrels – I felt like Doctor Doolittle as I conversed with the animals.

We could have easily stayed for another week and still not been bored. The only tiny negative is that, the more you enjoy yourself, the more persistently the knot in your belly tightens as you mentally see your bank balance falling faster than a Harrier Jump jet’s fuel gauge on vertical take-off. But I’m not going to labour that point. The simple fact is it’s all about choice. Given the all the plus points and the fantastic staff and amenities, we most certainly will be returning again to sample the wonderful atmosphere and relaxed environment. And for only a small additional extra, I can assure you we will be booking the private apartments next time around. In fact, if I can wangle it, I may well go again this year to take another crack at that windsurfing lark….

Center parcs: I salute you.

Rich, Deb: start saving.