A Cautionary Tale

I quite enjoy popping down to see wifeys Nan. She lives in Shaftesbury so visits are limited to a couple of times a year. Her house, though modern and practical, is crammed full of antiquity and curiosities. Old pictures, each with it’s own story, oddities assembled with care on shelves, ornate porcelain and silverware arranged for display,... I love mooching around.

At 84, Nanny is a sprightly old bird. Fiercely independent with a sharp mind, she is articulate and quick witted and always game for a good old fashioned chin wag. She is a window into a bygone era, regaling us with stories from a time that seems so distant and yet, in her presence, so tangible.

I love to just sit in her lounge, quietly reading a magazine and eavesdropping. I pick up snippets as Nanny and wifey chat intensely, frivolously: weaving their way around a multitude of subjects as the conversation meanders on without any agenda. I drop in and out when something piques my interest, relishing the parry and thrust of good debate. But it always isn’t so. Sometimes I don’t want chat....but you cant say ‘excuse me Nan but I really don’t care for chatter today I would like some peace and quiet’ No, instead you have to pretend to be listening.....a cautionary tale of note follows....

A few months ago Wifey and I went down to Shaftesbury to pick up Nanny and bring her up to Shropshire for a holiday. That’s a four hour drive. (or three, if Nanny’s on form and you’re not in the mood) Such was the case this time and whilst Nanny gamely chattered on I supplied the appropriate rejoinders where required, drifting off contentedly in my own world.

All of a sudden Nanny turns and looks directly at me. ‘Do you get much rape in Jersey Steve?’ she trilled.

(ehh?! ....where are we?...Whats going on?)

Given the gravity of the subject I was somewhat worried I had been caught napping.....

(time’s ticking....)

(Think! Think!!)

‘Um...hardly ever...the police do a good job keeping the streets safe’

She replied ‘Oh? How strange. I find all that yellow so boring....’

(eh???)

She was of course referring to the blankets of yellow rapeseed blossoms across the Dorset countryside. Memo to self: pay more attention or you may find yourself up a dirty creek with no paddle.

Human Pizza Box Men

A well known local pizza takeaway has taken advertising to a new level. I will disguise the company name as a cautionary measure against any unintentionally libellous remarks before I continue.....

So, D*minos has taken to employing a number of (presumably) temporary staff to stand at the exits to several roundabouts in Telford advertising special deals on their pizzas. I first spotted these poor unfortunates at around 7 o’clock, Monday morning. As their dishevelled forms shuffled into view through the freezing fog, I thought to myself....what the f....?!’ followed rapidly by ‘ha ha ha’ and immediately followed hard upon by ‘poor b*stards’. It was sub sero temperatures and they must have been feeling pretty stupid, dressed up in massive pizza boxes. I was reminded of them again on the return home because the desperados were still there at 6 that evening.

The next day, as I drove past yet another roundabout with four lonely sentinels standing guard at each entrance, I let out another huge guffaw. However, Wifey was also in the car and so this time around I was forced to also consider how fortunate I was to have a decent job, whilst trying (with little success) to stifle a chuckle. That fact that someone would want to work in such abject degradation is a testament to their spirit and they should be applauded for actually getting out and working for a living rather than those leeches who slob around all week, slowly bleeding the hard working tax payers dry. So, on the return journey, rather than laughing and pointing, we took to beeping our horns and waving at the poor reprobates. We got a good response! One beep one wave. That a 100% wave return on our beeps.

Assuming a retaliatory response from other takeaway outlets, don’t be surprised if you see a kebab, burger or chicken wing jostling on the roundabouts as Keb*b-Ye, MacD*nalds and K*C begin their advertising campaigns in earnest.

Wifey , Jakey and I had pizza last night. Unfortunately for D*minos, we went to A*da to get ours because it’s cheaper. (still, if my spending can help get the economy back on track, I’m all for it - right voters !?)

And remember, no matter how bad your job gets, it could worse. You could be stuck on a roundabout dressed up in a pizza box. Utter and abject humilitation.Pizza wobble-boarder, I salute you.

Human Pizza box (face disgused by a pizza to protect his identity)

It’s life Jim but not as we know it....(pregnant!)

Thanks to *God/a miracle of science* Wifey and I are ‘In the family way’. This may come a surprise to those of you who don’t follow me on facebook but wifey and I have been getting used to this wonderous event for the last few months.

Although I already have a son, I missed out on great swathes of his childhood and so much of this is new to me: the trembling anticipation of waiting for the test to read ‘pregnant’....the 12 week scan... wifey and I on tenterhooks at every twinge...planning a nursery, Its all a fantastic journey.

Yesterday, we had the 20 weeks scan. It’s quite something to see this homunculus bouncing about inside wifey, so quiet and happy looking. I don’t know what kind of parents we will be but if the last 4 months are anything to go by I think we have a perfect balance.

I will keep my blog updated with events as the unfold but in the meantime, I am taking full advantage of the fact I now have a free designated driver to ferry me to the Crown and back.

(Head? Check. Feet? Check. Arms? Check. Willy?....Willy? Im gonna to need confirmation of a willy...)

Not quite Wordsworth

'Daffodils' is arguably one of the most popular poems of the Romantic Age.....
'....I wandered lonely as a cloudThat floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd, A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze....'

One can easily imagine how the poet's excitement as he happened across a field full of blossoming daffodils on a blustery April morning way back in 1802, the biting wind encouraging the blossoms to dance and jostle in the breeze.

I wonder how the poem would have unravelled, had Wordsworth been strolling acoss a field in Shropshire on a wonderfully still and sunny June, only to happen upon this beautiful field of crimson poppies. Its hard to imagine the poem 'Daffodils' being 'Poppies'. But with skylarks chattering overhead and the gentle twitter of song-thrushes in the hedgerows: the stillness and wonderful sight of poppies nodding lazily, reaching up towards the sunlight in ethereal embrace, I can imagine that Wordsworth would have found the eloquent words to convey the beauty of this scene into a poem equally as well remembered as 'Daffodils'

'....I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and seas,
When all at once I saw a crowd, A host, of crimson poppies;

No...lets leave it as it was originally inspired. But with a nod to that great poem that never was, simply because Wordsworth chose to take a walk in April and not June.