Goosh: Slugs and snails.....(controlling slugs and snails the old fashioned way)

Slugs and Snails are very interesting creatures. Firstly they are hermaphroditic, each equipped with both male and female reproductive organs, so they can, quite literally, go **** themselves.

And that’s not even the best bit. They have also been bestowed the gift of extraordinarily huge penises. Indeed, the garden slug's penis is nearly half its total body length! Fancy that. (*snigger*) Furthermore, penis size is reflected in the scientific name of one banana slug species - ‘dolichophallus’ - Latin for "long penis."

Amorous slugs make for great voyeuristic entertainment during evening veggie patrol. All you need is a torch (and if you are a bit ‘Marquis de Sade’ some salt to calm their ardour). The sight of a courting pair of slugs majestically circling one another whilst solemnly waving their oversized penises overhead puts the most improbably athletic couples of Pompeii and Khajuraho into a more appropriate and severely diminished perspective.

So, what with our veggie patch on the go, our garden has become a veritable smorgasbord for a Cornucopia of slugs and a Rout of snails. Interesting collective nouns aside, the gardener’s chief enemies Mr Slug and Mrs Snail need to be kept in order- naturally of course, being the diminutive eco warrior that I aspire to be.

Ultimately I’m after a hedgehog. But with hedgehogs being quite the little travellers they are, we need one that wouldn’t ordinarily make it in the wild. So, whilst we wait with trembling anticipation for the phone call to say that that a three legged hedgehog needs a loving home, a few fat toads or frogs would be quite useful keeping slugs and snails at bay. So I have installed a small but bijou nature pond in the back garden, designed specifically to attract toadies and froggies. I’ve put in some nice ferns and I plan to let the surrounding grass grow wild. When the jasmine shoots off again it should look pretty cool.

Last week I added a bunch of tadpoles and when they change into froggies and toadies I will have an army of hungry amphibians at my disposal. Between Wifey’s folks and my mate Rich (see blog ‘Old Man Rich’) I have an almost inexhaustible supply to supplement my forces should the slugs hire some mercenary grass snakes or herons and my army begins to sufer losses.

I’m expecting great things from my raw recruits. Once metamorphosis has taken place, I expect them to get to the battlefront post haste and start engaging the enemy

Signing off, Goosh dolichophallus….

The Enemy.