I’m mental.
And Im not alone apparently.
According to the NHS, 1 in 6 people right this very
moment are experiencing anxiety, depression or unmanageable stress. But 75% of
them won’t do anything about it because they either don’t want to recognise it
or they feel they will be stigmatised by doing so. It is the stigma of mental
health issues often keeps people from seeking the help they need.
But the reality of course is that recovery is possible. (Just
like in physical health issues) – if only we can learn to remove the taboos.
I’ve got Pure Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), General
Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Hypochondria
Pure O (OCD) is
the kingpin here. Not the ‘good OCD - compulsively cleaning the house or funny
OCD, going through daft rituals before leaving the house. No the destructive OCD where my mind latches on to intrusive
thoughts and plays them over and over...again and again in an awful Clockwork Orange style perpetual nightmare.
I find my mind latching onto a hook and dragging me inwards – inexorably downwards
into this Dante’s Inferno. It can get so intense that sometimes I almost vomit with the stress of trying to
cope with the thoughts.
There’s nothing ‘general’
about GAD. It’s a bastard. Imagine
being permanently on edge, just
waiting for something awful to happen. All the time. That ‘Fight or Flight’ syndrome is permanently switched on, which means I’m on constant ‘hot stand-by'. And it’s exhausting. It cripples me with almost permanent insomnia and hypersensitivity. I am rabidly
impatient and irritable and intolerant most days.
Hypochondria
might sound like a joke but believe me it isn’t. Imagine every twinge in your
body, every itch every headache, every pain in the chest. They aren’t these
things! They’re early stage symptoms of MS. Its skin cancer. It’s a
brain tumour. It’s a Cardiac Arrest. So I’m constantly in a state of panic, thinking my
body is destroying itself from within. Battling against my already fragile
mind, impeded by GAD OCD and
ravaged by a lack of sleep.
Given my life
story it’s hardly surprising. I won’t bore you with the finer details suffice it
to say my childhood and adolescence
was riddled with physical mental and sexual abuse from my mother, those paid to care for me and my peers. My early
20s was complete turmoil – living in a camper van for months at a time, in and
out of one house to another, no steady job and no solid family network for support. My late 20s and 30s was spent torn between being in the UK
to be with my son or back home in
Jersey. Home was a series of dosshouses and friends rented rooms.
Things only really
settled down when I finally had the where-withal to move into my own rented accommodation at the
age of 35. It was the first place I had ever had that I could call my own home.
Since meeting my wonderful wife Janet, my life has become infinitely more
stable. Work is prosperous, I have savings, and I’m comfortable. I feel secure.
So it’s a terrible irony that only now are these
mental issues really coming to the fore. But it’s entirely predictable. I’ve
spent all my life fighting the fight –struggling just to be recognised and to
exist. During those times my overactive mind served me well. It protected me,
helped me navigate the choppy waters on my troubled life, it watched my back for anticipated danger, it reassured
me when I felt like giving in. The problem is, I don’t need that mindset
now. And so like a Demobbed army, my mind sits there impatiently, twitching, restless, nervous – looking for release.
And in turn, it manifests in my
trio of friends OCD GAD and Hypochondria.
Fortunately I
recognise this and I know what’s
happening. Unfortunately I haven’t yet learned the required skills to deal with
the symptoms (that will be your CBT). I need to learn how to break the negative
pattern of thought.
But in parallel,
I need to take on a much more challenging task. I need to also reach back into my past and unravel all those negative
behaviours to see where they started from. (Psycho-therapy) This is very difficult because of course my current behaviour sets are 45 years well
learned.
It’s a challenge.
So that’s my mental story.
I wrote this blog
to draw attention to the scourge that is mental health and to shine a light on
it. It’s not a dirty word. Mental health ought to be viewed in the same manner as physical health. It should be recognised that Mental illness is
a treatable health issue, just like blood pressure, high cholesterol or
diabetes .With 1 in 6 people
suffering in silence, chances are, about a half dozen of my friends are in the
same situation. Help is out there. Mental health is much more widely recognised
now. There is still a
long way to go but there is a rapidly
growing support network available to you, especially online.
I want to end on
a positive note. I’m in therapy
for the first time on 45 years. In today’s world I would have been put in therapy as a child so it’s a little bit late. But.... I’m IN therapy! I have
ups and downs and now that my trio of friends know I’m on to them, I’ve been told to expect some resistance. And I
can testify, my three little friends are being very stubborn.
But recognition
is the first step. I’ve already
done that and I’m now on the journey to recovery. Who knows what
will happen but I hope that I have finally begun the steady climb back
up and soon will break through the clouds and be at peace and calm with myself, my loved ones and my world.
Peace.
Love.
(And I don’t give
a damn how hippy that sounds :o)
