Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will only cause permanent psychological damage.

I’m mental.

And Im not alone apparently.

According to the NHS, 1 in 6 people right this very moment are experiencing anxiety, depression or unmanageable stress. But 75% of them won’t do anything about it because they either don’t want to recognise it or they feel they will be stigmatised by doing so. It is the stigma of mental health issues often keeps people from seeking the help they need.

But the reality of course is that recovery is possible. (Just like in physical health issues) – if only we can learn to remove the taboos.

I’ve got Pure Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Hypochondria

Pure O (OCD) is the kingpin here. Not the ‘good OCD - compulsively cleaning the house or funny OCD, going through daft rituals before leaving the house. No the destructive OCD where my mind latches on to intrusive thoughts and plays them over and over...again and again in an awful Clockwork Orange style perpetual nightmare. I find my mind latching onto a hook and dragging me inwards – inexorably downwards into this Dante’s Inferno. It can get so intense that sometimes I almost vomit with the stress of trying to cope with the thoughts.

There’s nothing ‘general’ about GAD. It’s a bastard. Imagine being permanently on edge, just waiting for something awful to happen. All the time. That ‘Fight or Flight’ syndrome is permanently switched on, which means I’m on constant ‘hot stand-by'. And it’s exhausting. It cripples me with almost permanent insomnia and hypersensitivity. I am rabidly impatient and irritable and intolerant most days.   

Hypochondria might sound like a joke but believe me it isn’t. Imagine every twinge in your body, every itch every headache, every pain in the chest. They aren’t these things! They’re early stage symptoms of MS. Its skin cancer. It’s a brain tumour. It’s a Cardiac Arrest. So I’m constantly in a state of panic, thinking my body is destroying itself from within. Battling against my already fragile mind, impeded by GAD OCD and ravaged by a lack of sleep.

Given my life story it’s hardly surprising. I won’t bore you with the finer details suffice it to say my childhood and adolescence was riddled with physical mental and sexual abuse from my mother, those paid to care for me and my peers. My early 20s was complete turmoil – living in a camper van for months at a time, in and out of one house to another, no steady job and no solid family network for support. My late 20s and 30s was spent torn between being in the UK to be with my son or back home in Jersey. Home was a series of dosshouses and friends rented rooms.

Things only really settled down when I finally had the where-withal to move into my own rented accommodation at the age of 35. It was the first place I had ever had that I could call my own home. Since meeting my wonderful wife Janet, my life has become infinitely more stable. Work is prosperous, I have savings, and I’m comfortable. I feel secure.

So it’s a terrible irony that only now are these mental issues really coming to the fore. But it’s entirely predictable. I’ve spent all my life fighting the fight –struggling just to be recognised and to exist. During those times my overactive mind served me well. It protected me, helped me navigate the choppy waters on my troubled life, it watched my back for anticipated danger, it reassured me when I felt like giving in. The problem is, I don’t need that mindset now. And so like a Demobbed army, my mind sits there impatiently, twitching, restless, nervous – looking for release. And in turn, it manifests in my trio of friends OCD GAD and Hypochondria.

Fortunately I recognise this and I know what’s happening. Unfortunately I haven’t yet learned the required skills to deal with the symptoms (that will be your CBT). I need to learn how to break the negative pattern of thought.  

But in parallel, I need to take on a much more challenging task. I need to also reach back into my past and unravel all those negative behaviours to see where they started from. (Psycho-therapy) This is very difficult because of course my current behaviour sets are 45 years well learned.

It’s a challenge.

So that’s my mental story.

I wrote this blog to draw attention to the scourge that is mental health and to shine a light on it. It’s not a dirty word. Mental health ought to be viewed in the same manner as physical health. It should be recognised that Mental illness is a treatable health issue, just like blood pressure, high cholesterol or diabetes .With 1 in 6 people suffering in silence, chances are, about a half dozen of my friends are in the same situation. Help is out there. Mental health is much more widely recognised now. There is still a long way to go but there is a rapidly growing support network available to you, especially online.

I want to end on a positive note. I’m in therapy for the first time on 45 years. In today’s world I would have been put in therapy as a child so it’s a little bit late. But.... I’m IN therapy!  I have ups and downs and now that my trio of friends know I’m on to them, I’ve been told to expect some resistance. And I can testify, my three little friends are being very stubborn.

But recognition is the first step. I’ve already done that and I’m now on the journey to recovery. Who knows what will happen but I hope that I have finally begun the steady climb back up and soon will break through the clouds and be at peace and calm with myself, my loved ones and my world.

Peace.

Love.

(And I don’t give a damn how hippy that sounds :o)

Mary Mary Quite Contrary...

Finally, I have completed my garden. In truth it was completed a few weeks ago but waiting all the elements to come together....freshly cut lawn, sunny, blue skies, flowers out....well it never happened. So for those of you that can remember here it is way back when it was like a battlefield...and some pics of the progress along the way. Im particularly pleased with my half cresent wall and hawthorn hedge. Especially as I used an old technique pioneered by Archemedes to get the curve just right. Who says techniques that are centuries old still dont have a part to play in modern life eh?

I should like to add that there was blood spilled into this soil. My blood. Also a lot of sweat and a few lines of good old Anglo Saxon for good measure. Many a late evening when I should have been indoors doing what husbands are supposed to do - lording it over the remote control.

Poor wifey. Im a miserable git at the best of times but when Im in my Mind Palace deep in thought, there is never a good time to ask about "That letter you opened last week" or to mention Im half an hour late to pick up Jake.

Anyway, here is the finished article. Ive become a lawn bore - titivating the grass into lovely stripes. Angled just right so the neighbour can see them in all their glory. (in your face Flanders!) Ive got a wildlife friendly garden and froggies are finally winning the war on the slugs with aid of heavy ground support from the hedgehogs.

And although I know summer is offically over today thats just fine because I get a chance to sit out in the garden with our newly installed garden lights and fountain - rock on.

Chelsea Flower Show my arse.

Ive got a few other projects ready to kick off but I value my family Jewels and so I will be spending the next few weeks pampering wifey.And if we are lucky enough to get an indian summer I may well even have a BBQ.

How to build a stumpery - Part 2 - I've got more wood

Now that the groundwork has been done, it's time to plant out your stumpery and add all the personal touches.

And so as I mooched through garden centres getting excited at fern varieties I was suddenly hit by an epiphany. I've become a middle aged irrelevant. I get my kicks shuffling around garden centres drooling over plants and garden plans. It's a far cry from those halcyon days in my late teens and early twenties when I was in my prime but didn't even realise it....

Anyway, I digress.  I spent a few quid on a nice variety of ferns and then moved on to planting them out. I wanted to create the feeling of depth and so some were planted in tall pots or stood up on bricks. 

Of course you can simply build up the soil rather than using pots but I prefer pots as you can move them about. I sheathed the pots in bark which I peeled off from some logs from my woodpile. This hides those bland looking pots from sight giving a more natural feel. I also interspersed my  stumpery with logs to add some interest.

I spent some time plugging out my oak log with ferns and for a bit of diversity, I added a couple of winter flowering heathers on the top. The small cavity at the front provides a tiny, shaded  pool.

 

I then procured from my back garden, some naturally growing (and unwanted) moss. I don't want it in my lawn but in the right place it's just what I want. I specifically targeted the shadier areas, under the stump, around the bases of the wooden mushrooms and fern pots.

I took a walk to my local woodland and grabbed a bag or two of leaf litter. This is great stuff. It's already breaking down and is crawling with invertebrates - just what I need to kick-start my stumpery ecosystem. I spread it liberally in the more brighter areas where the moss is not likely to take.

Finally I top-dressed the fern pots with moss and leaf litter to try and hide anything man-made and to make it look as natural as possible.

So after a few weeks bedding in, this is the finished article. It's already home to a few baby frogs and a lots of crawling insects. In time I know some things will die and some with thrive. I am hoping I have enough of a balance that I won't be left with any gaping holes. Some of the moss has already dies but in some other areas, new moss is growing so overall I'm happy with the results. 

The great thing is, it's full of life. Harriet spends ages peering into the nooks and crannies - completely transfixed. I may add some subtle solar lighting later but not sure just yet. At the moment I'm just happy with what is now a full on nature garden providing a wide diversity for our local wildlife

As Marvin Gaye said: "Whats going on??"

Humankind - what a thing to behold. 

Despite all our achievements,  all our abilities, all our potential, we have  evolved into a species for which one of our strongest traits is our willingness to kill each other.

We have perfected the ability to rape the planets resources and push every other living thing on the planet to the limits of their existence. and when we aren't doing that, our causal approach to dumping our toxic filth into our oceans or skies and back into the food-chain poisons the Earth.

Is there any other species quite like us?  Our selfish disregard for every living thing that we know to exist in the entire universe is rather tragic. Because of we succeed where constant wars fail and we kill off enough key species, we will ultimately be committing suicide. We cannot naively think we can patch-fix the holes we create on our ecosystem that mother nature has taken millennia to perfect.

The dinosaurs had the right approach. We take the term 'dinosaur' and label our parents with it to mean  someone set in their ways - plodding and slow to change  - but the fact is, the dinosaurs were around for over 165 million years and  they are often rated as being the most successful species on the planet. Perhaps their success was their small brains and thus, lack of any Einsteinian intelligence. They weren't fussed about world domination. They just got on with life and let Mother Nature decide the variables. This simplistic approach would likely still be going on now and our ancestors would be no more than furry shrews in the ground if it hadn't been for a series of catacysmic events to come together in a perfect storm and wipe them out. 

We talk about possible pandemics sweeping the globe when in fact it is us that are the disease. The simple truth is that this planet would likely be a wonderful harmonious ecosystem if we could just remove ourselves from the equation. 

Perhaps what we need is a more superior species or omnipotent being to decide enough is enough and for the good of Earth and every other living thing on the planet, it's time to come on down and sort us out. 

Dear Lord - perhaps the time has come to make another appearance.

How to build a stumpery - Part 1 - Ive got wood

With the garden drawing finally nearing completion my most recent focus of attention has been on  a particularly shady area just in front of the conservatory. this  area already hides an architectural marvel: my soakaway - half a metre deep and 3 metres long, filled with gravel and stone and capped off with huge flagstones. I've spent many hours staring intently; deciding how best to utilise this space and  answer I've settled upon is to transform this rather pitiful area to a magical shady grotto. I noticed there wasn't much on the web to help the novice stumpery architect and so with tome research and effort  I have endeavoured to explain the process in a 2-part blog thriller - part one (this one) imaginatively entitled "How to build a stumpery - (check out my stump) will be followed with the as yet untitled "part deux"  in due course.

The most important aspect of a stumpery if of course a stump. They're hard to come by but if you cant get one, a bunch of logs will do just as well. What youre after is lots of nooks and crannies which you can plant with ferns later. At the risk of being gender biased I would suggest that about 50% of the population like an interesting stump and the more gnarly it is, the better. Here I'm using an impressive stump I got from the local farm just down the road. I also commissioned a local axe-wielding lunatic to care me  a Green Man out of oak which will form part of the centre-piece.

 

I chiselled drilled and sawed the remnant section of oak trunk I had going spare to create a small cutaway and water basin. Furthermore, I drilled  several holes around the log. These cavities will later be plugged with ferns. I should add when selecting wood to shape in any way, think carefully before you select hardwood or softwood. Hardwood is damn hard! Saws, jigsaws chisels hatchets and even an axe all tried with limited success. In the end my saviour was Walter the De Walt drill and a 40 mm bore drill. (of which I blunted and broke 3 before getting if completed) You can see the bore marks on the wood. Then I took a blowtorch to it to give it a blackened and aged look.

A  stumpery needs to not only look good, but also work as an holistic micro-ecosystem. Your stump (or logs) will need to be resting in soil and preferably buried 6 inches or so down. This is to promote the growth of all that lovely wood rotting bacteria. 

What this will give you is basically a five star invertebrate holiday camp.  This will in turn attract froggies and toadies. Replicating that organic-rich humus that you get in the woods is quite simple. 

You will need compost, wood matter and leaf mulch. I used a third compost, a third wood chippings and a third sawdust.

Now lay out your soil and bury your wood. This is the time to get a little arty and add some fairy-dust  grotto charm with some oversized wooden mushrooms and some old moss covered bricks. 

You can do these yourself with a little practice or do like I did, have some fun having a go yourself, add some manly scars to your hands and then pay someone selse to do it. 

By the time you are finished you should have your stumpery layout ready for planting out

So thats it for part 1 - hold on to your hats - part 2 in already under way and should be finished by the weekend.(cor it's all excitement in my house I tell ya....)